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Sigh. I have done hardly anything productive today...or even this week. In part it has something to do with wanting to distract my thoughts.

Anyway, before I get back to study, just wanted to post the link to Joshua Bell playing Ave Maria. This is my absolute favourite song at the moment. I think I've fallen in love with Mr Bell. Sorry Zack. But at least it's not Lance Armstrong or Bubble Tea Guy anymore. ;)

Evidently I have a thing for pieces of haunting, sweeping classical music e.g. Rodrigo's Concierto de Aranjuez and Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

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Lead, follow, or get out of the way

It's Saturday.  Yesterday was Friday.  Tomorrow is Sunday.




I just discovered the movie Idiocracy, (made in 2005).  It's tasteless yet genius in a way zoolander could never hope to emulate.  (My brother loves zoolander for it's "genius", and I'm sure he's tried to get me to watch Idiocracy as well.)  I think everyone should watch it, if only to scare you.  During Idiocacy, I also rediscovered the Discovry channel, which was playing a documentary/ tv show on the biology and processes that have to do with sex and love.  I really, really wish I wasn't so caught up with Idiocracy, because I would have loved to watch it.

There was a campus wide gaming night last night.  Usually I love thiese, but not so much this time.  If I had to say why, I'd say it's probably because my child like naievety was dashed regarding certain subjects.  That's all I'm prepared to say, as it really isn't that intersting.

I saw the Watchmen yesterday; I whole heartedly recommend it.  It actually made me want to go back and reread the book.  They did a good job of capturing even the minutest details of the book, with one exception.  The stuff left out (which was inevitable) was restricted to the parts of the book that left me disinterested in the book to begin with.  Stuff like excerpts from Holis Mason's biography, Under the Hood.  Two things that were left out:  The psychologist in charge of Rorshauch had a bigger part, and originally you were allowed to see how being exposed to Rorshacuch's unique views on society ate away at him as a person.  There was also the bit on "Tales of the Black Freighter," a fictional comic book within the comic book that left me disinterested, though I'm sure there are people out there who think it's genius.  I think they turned the comic into an anime which will probably be released with the dvd.  Other interesting things I noticed:

It was mentioned a number of times that President Nixon had served more than 2 terms.  I think there were about six mentioned in the movie?  Watchmen takes place in an alternate time line, I think for the most part dependent on 2 differences from real life.  The existence of Doctor Manhatten, and the general trend of people dressing up to fight crime in general.

If you look at some of the background graffitti in some of the shots, there is a patriotic message that says "Please welcome Vietnam as our 51 state."

From here on, I'm gonna talk about the single biggest change they made to Watchmen, which directly relates to the ending.  If you haven't seen it/read it, you should stop reading.





Where the fuck is my evil space alien?  It drives me insane that I can't let this go, but damn it, with everything else being so faithful to the souce material, how can they change the overly camping ending in favor an ending that matches the dark tone of the movie?   ...oh, right.  Because the original ending was overly campy and they wanted an ending that matches the dark tone of the rest of the movie... let alone makes sense.  This now make me the worst kind of fanboy.  Even when they did everything they could to make a fantastic movie, I still nitpick the one thing they changed to for the good of the movie.

I think I do it though because Watchmen wasn't a fantastic book for me, and it was the ending that really validated the time put into it for me. For those who don't know, in the book, Ozymandias tricks America and the USSR into making peace by introducing a new target for them to focus on. He does this by faking an attack by evil space aliens. The difference between the book and movie is that in the movie, he plan is the same, but in this telling, he frames Dr. Manhatten, rather than faking an alien attack.  I found the original ending poetic.  In any case, I'm going to try to let this go.

the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls

So I got really frustrated yesterday, and it had been building up for some time now. I've always kind of felt like I'm the outsider in my family. I'm a lot younger than my other siblings and my parents are kinda old, and I've just always felt out of place. I've always hated my tiny little home town, and I never had any real friends there. Honestly there is only one person from Oskie that I still talk to. (Yes, that's you Ross.) I guess I've just always felt like I was in the wrong place, and like everything else has always mattered to everyone but not me. Lots of times things are important to my family, more important than I am.

So back to the story. So my car broke down the other day and with spring break coming up I needed to figure out a way to get home. So I called my mom and started talkin to her and told her maybe her and my dad could come down visit Brandi's family, dad could look at my car, and if my high school team made state(which they didn't) we could go watch them. I told her this thinking that it sounds like a pretty good idea and it's a way I can get home. However, she told me that they have a work day at the church so we would have to figure something else out. (this really frustrated me because it's not the first time that she's picked a stupid church activity over me, they do it all the time. I'll tell them that I have a concert and they'll be like o we have a church thing, and I don't think my mom realizes how much it really brothers me that they don't come watch me sing. When I was in high school my parents never missed a thing, they were at all my concerts and games and everything and now it's kinda like they don't care anymore because they don't come to anything and it REALLY bothers me because it's not like they can't, they're choosing not to.) Well back the to story again, I told my mom that I thought it was stupid that she was picking a church work day over me, because I know if they told the people they were coming to get me that they would be fine with it. And she said thats not what we're doing don't be like that. Then I told her yes it is, that's what you always do. And she said no, I'm sure there's another option, and I said yeah I could just not come home. Then she told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore and hung up on me. MY MOM HUNG UP THE PHONE ON ME. All I was trying to do was find a way to get home so that I could come home fore spring break and she freakin hung up the phone on me.

And honestly I do want to come home, I miss my family. But I even feel out of place at my house. Since I'm the youngest I'm the one that always gets displaced. Whenever people come home I have to give up my bedroom and sleep on the couch. Then I get woke up whenever anyone gets up (my niece and nephew wake up at like 6:30 every day) and then I get told I'm in the way and I need to wake  up, and I kinda just feel like I'm an inconvenience. Maybe I am... 

The arrival of a brand new MacBook Pro!

 Yesterday i have finally brought a 15" 2.4Ghz Macbook Pro! Yay! Now i am so poor.... and getting software is a problem for the moment. heheh... i wouldn't be able to meet the person that i want to get the software till later in the month. but yay for my spanking new mac. 

buying a laptop isn't just buying a laptop. It is buying the accessories that you think you might need.  the mighty mouse (i didn't get that cause somehow $78 for a mouse is a bit over the top now) Then, there is the keyboard guard that the salesperson insists i will need. Then the hardcase to prevent scratches on my new Mac. Plus,never neglect the apple care that costs a bomb but i think for mac products you will need apple care for sure. 

So next up, software... I will download all sorts of freeware off the net and then i'll see what i can do about the other paid software... 
back to personalising my mac!

By the way, went to the anime shop at Excelsior, it is gone already. Yay for the death of a bad shop. 

Crossroads, will you ever let me go...

I've mentioned it before: my favorite song is Melissa by the Allman Bros.Band. It's one of those songs that I won't hear for a while but then I go through a time where I want to listen to it alot. Like now. I've downloaded Melissa and Ain't Wasting Time No More to my MP3; also a couple of Van Morrison songs. Reflective songs; songs that make me evaluate where I've been and where I'm going. And then, of course, Melissa is not just a great song - it's a complete experience from the first strums of the acoustic guitar...in fact the timing is just slightly off in the opening:

Crossroads, seem to come and go, yeah.

The gypsy flies from coast to coast

Knowing many, loving none,

Bearing sorrow havin' fun,

But back home he'll always run

To sweet Melissa... mmm...


Freight train, each car looks the same, all the same.

And no one knows the Gypsy's name


No one hears his lonely sighs,

There are no blankets where he lies.

In all his deepest dreams the Gypsy flies

with sweet Melissa... mmm...


Again the morning's come,

Again he's on the run,

Sunbeams shining through his hair,

Appearing not to have a care.

Well, pick up your gear and Gypsy roll on, roll on.


Crossroads, will you ever let him go? (Lord, Lord)

Will you hide the dead man's ghost,

Or will he lie, beneath the clay,

or will his spirit float away?


But I know that he won't stay without Melissa.


Yes I know that he won't stay without Melissa.

The slide guitar of the incomparable Dickie Betts (rivaled only by Duane who died before his time); the bluesy voice of Gregg Allman - probably the most soulful-voiced white man of all time; listen to the awesome bass, piano and organ supporting the song. Musically first rate. Lyrically...well that's a different story. 3:51 of perfection. Listen to those bass notes as the song fades away.

Where does this song take you? I know where it takes me...reviewing crossroads of my younger years - I must have taken the right turns because I'm so glad I ended up where I am - always grateful, mostly glad. But Lord there was such a price to pay. And could you have delivered me here to this place in my life without all the wrong turns? Or were they a necessary part of the journey? These last several months - talking with old friends - makes me evaluate. Might things have been different? Where was I going when where I was was not enough? I had no plan. I would put one foot in front of the other and end up here and there - both geographically and spiritually.

I loved the city of Charleston, but not my life there. What an interesting observation - I actually loved everywhere that I lived: here in Maryland, Atlanta, Charleston, Jacksonville, FL, even Columbus, Ohio for the short time that I was there. The history of each of those places, the memories made with friends. I was on quite the adventure but I didn't have the spirit back then. Back then I was restless, in a way that I could not put my finger on. And truth be told, I still can't.  I just know that I am no longer longing for moving on. Was that a search for faith that I interpreted as something else? Maybe that's why I no longer feel restless. Or maybe it's being a mother that has planted my feet firmly.

I still wander some... I have packed Maddie up to get away ever since she was tiny. The other day I told her I'd like to take her out of town hiking for her birthday April 2. She laughed and said, "You just want to get away - you haven't gone anywhere since before Christmas!" And she is right. I am feeling itchy!

But back to the song - and the 3 minutes and 51 seconds of perfection that bring tears to my eyes and a deep pain in my heart. Where does it take me this time? It's always a crossroad but not always the same one. This go round (meaning since I downloaded it within the last couple of months), I am thinking of a time at the transition from the late 70's to the early 80's. Some great times with friends sort of centering around a certain farm in Gaithersburg and involving many motorcycle rides to places from the beaches of Delaware to the mountains of western Maryland and West Virginia. The man that lived on that farm was sort of our center - just an ordinarily but special man that we all loved. And we all did love him - not for anything he did, just who he was.

Eat a Peach was a staple then, like Budweiser and jeans, even though it had been out since 1972. We swam in the lake on that farm and hung out all night in the apartment above the barn. We went to see bands and shot pool and attended huge parties in fields with bon fires and people on motorcycles that personally scared me to death! But we were young and invincible and I'll always know that God protected me through many a naive evening. We had so much fun. I had a boyfriend who was tall and so handsome that I was always sure strange women wondered what he was doing with me. I don't believe a black tshirt and a pair of jeans were ever happier than the ones he wore. He certainly made me smile!

We made so many mistakes. Did things we're probably not proud of and probably not rushing to share with our kids. I don't know how it started to end, but I know that I probably began to get restless. I wish I'd known that what I was looking for was not to be found in others. That it was within me. But it was many years and more crossroads before that lesson was learned. Somehow I started to move on and as had become my habit, I kept one foot there while I searched for a place to put my other foot. Once the other foot planted, I moved on for good.

Like I said, I don't know how it started to end, but I remember how it ended. One day, I believe in 1985, I dressed in black and left my new husband at home and drove to Gaithersburg to St. Martin's Catholic Church. Outside dozens of motorcycles lined up; inside hundreds of friends and relatives of the man who lived on the farm. Taken from those he loved at age 28, by cancer, while his young bride was in her eighth month of pregnancy. In the back of the church that day, we all rose and held hands and prayed. And then the motorcycles led the procession to his burial. Later that day, back at the farm, I realized that I had moved my life on and that I was no longer a part of this group. I had left before our center did. And I wondered then why I had turned at the crossroads in the direction I had.

A million years later, I talk to an old and dear friend through email. Dear to me due to history - not because we ever stayed in touch. That handsome young man in the black t-shirt and jeans says that over the years, from time to time he has run into another one from our group, Joe, and asked about me. But all he had known was that I had moved to Florida (I've been back since 95!). And I guess listening to this song again and asking those questions have left me wishing that some things had been done differently. And I remember that back in St. Martin's that day, I felt like I no longer belonged with these people and our friend Joe reached over and took my hand while we prayed. 

Crossroads...will you ever let me go?